Phyllis Diller Quotes

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller