Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Rodney Dangerfield