Groucho Marx Quotes

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx