Quotes by Groucho Marx

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."

"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."