Quotes by Joan Rivers

"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."

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"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

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"I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business."

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"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

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"Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be."

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"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

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"Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things."

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"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

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"Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube."

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"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

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"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

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"I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive."

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"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

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"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."

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"My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays."

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"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."

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