Joan Rivers Quotes

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Joan Rivers

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Joan Rivers

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Joan Rivers