Erma Bombeck Quotes

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Erma Bombeck

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Erma Bombeck

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Erma Bombeck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Erma Bombeck

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Erma Bombeck

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Erma Bombeck

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Erma Bombeck

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Erma Bombeck

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Erma Bombeck

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Erma Bombeck