Rita Rudner Quotes

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

Rita Rudner

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Rita Rudner

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

Rita Rudner

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Rita Rudner

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Rita Rudner

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Rita Rudner