Woody Allen Quotes

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.

Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Woody Allen

I am two with nature.

Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Woody Allen