Quotes by Woody Allen

"I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

"If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right."

"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."

"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ."