Fred Allen Quotes

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

Fred Allen

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Fred Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Fred Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

Fred Allen

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Fred Allen

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Fred Allen