Henny Youngman Quotes

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Henny Youngman