Quotes by Erma Bombeck

"All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

"When humor goes, there goes civilization."

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."

"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids."

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."

"Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go."

"I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."

"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."