Funny Quotes

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity."

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."

"You're only as good as your last haircut."

"If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."

"Only the mediocre are always at their best."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."

"Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening."

"There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice."

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

"Cure for an obsession: get another one."

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know."

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem."

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."