Quotes by George Carlin

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"Electricity is really just organized lightning."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"Religion is just mind control."

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."